


What If I Never Love Again?

by artificialmac



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 13:33:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9443048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Alaska and Sharon's 2016 Halloween shows bring back feelings that neither of them were expecting, and lead to revelations, confessions, and a bit of humor (but mostly angst).





	1. Chapter 1

Alaska sat down with an exasperated sigh. He looked up at the stage waiting for the next act. He was in full drag, nails included, and he was exhausted. He had been travelling all day to do this show, in this bar he has never heard of, for not a lot of money. But he made the drive because an old friend asked him to. He got to the club an hour early to meet the club owner and get all of the details of his show. Only when he got to the club, the manager informed him that his performance had been bumped in favor of some other, more famous drag queen. Alaska was reasonably pissed off. But right when he was about to leave, Casey entered. She hugged him and thanked him so much for showing up. She apologized at least twenty times after she found out. No one would tell him who took over his performance even though he asked.

He thought of going back to his hotel room but he stayed until the more successful drag queen’s show. Already Alaska didn’t like this girl, she was ten minutes late and the crowd seemed equally unimpressed. Finally the host got on the microphone, “Hey everybody so we have a real treat for you tonight. All the way from season 4 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Sharon Needles!” Alaska nearly choked on his non-alcoholic beer. It was Sharon? No wonder no one had told him who had taken his spot.

Sharon pranced onto the stage looking like … well… Sharon. She had her traditional spooky makeup with long flowing white wig. She wore a skeleton cat suit and Alaska had to admit she looked gorgeous. Sharon began by thanking the crowd. She introduced herself and the crowd erupted in applause as Sharon started to sing. Alaska smiled in spite of himself. He hasn’t talked to her in a long time. They text occasionally, about nothing really. The last thing Alaska texted Sharon was a congratulations about her engagement.

Oh yeah.

She was engaged.

He felt this pang in his heart, but quickly willed it away.

He remembers the breakup as if it were last week. The screaming and crying and just hurt that he had felt, and still felt.

They were drunk and they didn’t mean the things they said, but even so.

It has been two years, he should have let it go.

He thought he had. Alaska had someone new, Sharon had someone new. Someone that she was going to marry even. They had moved on.

Right?

Alaska was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice that Sharon’s set was over and that she was looking right at him. Alaska saw as she began to make her way over to him. Alaska bolted. He walked quickly to the door and out onto the cold sidewalk. He walked a few steps away from the club and pulled his phone out of his bag. He fumbled with the phone partly because of his nails and the clod, partly not. He called a cab and waited, shivering for it to arrive. He felt a hand touch his bare shoulder as he jumped away quickly.

“Hey keep your head it's only me.” It was Sharon.

“Hey sorry…um… you did really well tonight. I like the new songs.” Alaska stammered out.

“Thanks. Why are you leaving so soon? I thought we could hang out. I miss talking to you Lasky.” Sharon was slurring every couple of words.

“I really should get to my hotel.” Alaska saw Sharon’s face fall. “But maybe some other time.”

“But Lasky I want to hang out now. I miss you.” Sharon had draped herself over Alaska now and she began to lose her balance. Alaska didn’t trust her to get back to her hotel so when the cab showed up he took Sharon in with him. They got to his hotel and he pulled her in and shut the door behind him.

He began de-dragging. He chanced a looked at Sharon who was doing the same. They took off the wigs and the makeup and became Aaron and Justin.

Justin has only ever loved three people, himself, Alaska, and Aaron. Maybe that was why they didn’t work out.

Aaron loved Justin, Justin loved Aaron. Sharon loved Alaska, Alaska loved Sharon. Sharon loved Justin. Justin didn’t love Sharon.

She was amazing and confident and funny, but also controversial and rude. She was the perfect counterpart to Alaska. Aaron was sweet and kind and protective. Aaron loved cuddles and cats and Justin. Aaron was the perfect counterpart for Justin. But one day the wall between Sharon and Aaron started to crack. All of Sharon’s qualities became Aaron. He was no longer just pushing buttons; he was being provocative for being provocative’s sake. Aaron began drinking even more than usual, which is saying a lot because he was a drag queen after all.

Aaron drank to be happy, and Justin drank because he wasn’t.

They never talked unless they were fighting the only thing they had in common was they liked to fuck each other. Even that became tedious after a while.

As Sharon left, and Justin could see Aaron disappearing, he smiled a sad smile as he felt the twinge in his heart again. Justin pushed the feeling in his chest away and thought about his current boyfriend. He willed that pang in his heart to appear.


	2. Chapter 2

Justin woke to sunlight falling on his face. He had slept on the sofa after Aaron had passed out on the bed. Justin yawned and began to stretch his muscles. He searched for his phone, turning it on as he looked at the time. He had three missed calls from Casey. He pulled himself up and stretched again. He looked over at the bed and saw an empty space where Aaron had been. Justin sighed and made his way onto the balcony and shut the sliding door behind him. He called Casey. After two rings she picked up.

“What the hell was that last night?” She shouted.

“Hey Case look I’m sorry I was just tired and not feeling well so I left.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I would have taken you home and you could have crashed at my house.” She had calmed down now and seemed less angry and more concerned.

“Sorry I just didn’t want to trouble you.” Justin explained.

“Well I was freaked out all night. I looked up and you were gone.” There was a long pause. “How are you?’

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean Justin. You know… about Aaron being there.”

“It didn’t bother me, you know we are friends.” Justin said.

“Yeah, right. You avoided him for a year Justin. You understand if I don’t believe you.”

“We are I know it may be hard to explain but we are fine, he even slept here last night.” Justin immediately regretted saying anything. “You know what I have to go I’ll see you later today.” Justin heard her shocked “Wait what?” before he hung up.

Justin looked at his other missed call. It was his manager. Five minutes later Justin’s jaw had dropped for the third time in that conversation. He heard the words “Performances… Sharon…Halloween.” His manager asked him if he wanted to do it and assured him if he felt uncomfortable he by no means was obligated to do the shows. Justin heard himself apologize and before he knew it he had agreed to the shows. He spaced out for the rest of the conversation until he heard a click signaling the call was over.

Justin got up. He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror for a long while. He broke out of his trance to the sound of a text. He looked down. Aaron had texted him two words, “Thank you.”

Aaron texted him almost everyday after. He talked about how he was excited to be working with Justin again. Justin texted back in short phrases or sometimes just a word. They were talking about what songs to perform together. He suggested “Tainted Love” by Soft Call as a joke, but Aaron immediately started texting in all caps how amazing of an idea that would be.

Justin did more shows and before he knew it, it was October 29th and he and Sharon would be performing together in a day. They had decided to meet up at Aaron’s hotel room before the show so they could rehearse. Justin was reasonably nervous about rehearsing with his ex alone. Justin texted Aaron and was surprised to discover that Aaron was in the room across from him. Justin knocked on the door and then noticed it was slightly open. When he didn’t get an immediate response he pushed open the door. Hearing a loud clamor all of a sudden, Justin nearly jumped out into the hallway. He pressed his ear to the door and he heard Aaron and his fiancé yelling.

Chad, Justin thought his name was Chad.

“You know it is nothing like that!” Justin heard Aaron’s hushed shout.

“Then why this all of a sudden? Why are you being so weird?” Chad was yelling and seemed to have no problem with who heard.

“Stop yelling, everyone on the floor can hear you, and Justin is on his way.” Justin felt his heart turn when Aaron used his real name.

“Oh yeah he’s coming over. Why did you even agree to do these shows, I thought you were angry at him?”

“I thought I was, but I thought about it. It was my fault more than anything. He meant a lot to me and I miss him.” There was a pause. “Not like that you idiot. You know I love you.” Justin felt that thing in his heart again. Before he realized he had knocked on the door loudly. Aaron and Chad jumped apart quickly.

“Hey Justin. Uhmm… this is Chad. Chad is my umm… you know.”

“Fiancé?” Chad finished.

Yeah that.” Aaron looked flustered.

“Well I will get out of your hair and let you two rehearse.” He looked at Justin. “I’m excited to see the show, he hasn’t shut up about it since August.”

“Tell me about it” Justin joked back.

Chad kissed Aaron quickly and walked out of the room, closing the door properly behind him. Aaron and Justin stood there awkwardly for a few minutes until Aaron sat on the bed and motioned for Justin to sit next to him. They rehearsed for about an hour. They began to practice less and joke around more. He didn’t know how it had happened, he remembered Aaron saying there was something he had to see and before he knew it they were watching old lip-syncs from the first and second season. They both remarked how drab the set was back then, and Sharon made a few quips about the shape of Santino’s head and the size of Michelle’s chest. They laughed and joked and for a moment everything was fine for Justin. He didn’t know that his feelings were reciprocated. 

They shut the computer and Justin avoided eye contact for a minute, passing it off as him thinking. He chanced a look at Aaron, who smiled a smile that was so uniquely Aaron that Justin wanted to cry. But it wasn’t romantic or anything. It was just Justin missing his friend. He had missed Aaron, and his boyfriend and he was mixing up the two emotions. Justin fidgeted as he stood up, mumbling an excuse about how it was late. He made his way over to the door. Aaron got up after him and opened the door for Justin. Justin walked across the hall and slid the card into his door and looked back at Aaron standing in the doorway watching him.

“Goodnight neighbor.” Aaron smiled.

“Goodnight Aaron.”


	3. Chapter 3

It was October 27th and Alaska and Sharon would be performing together that night, Justin’s thoughts were scrambled. He felt ill, not actually sick but just like he wanted to lay in bed forever. He did what he always did when he felt shitty.

She picked up after the first ring.

“Hey Casey look I know it’s early but I just feel…”

“Hey Justin. It’s ok I’m always here for you, you know that. What’s going on?” There was a short pause. ”Is it Aaron? What did he do?”

“No it's not him…it's just…I miss him you know?” Justin hesitated. “Not romantically of course you know I’m dating someone, but as a friend. He was my person for four years. He was everything and it hurts and it’s hard to just not have that anymore.” He waited. “You think I’m crazy.”

“Not at all darling, you are perfectly sane. I know exactly what you mean. I’m sorry he’s got your heart in a twist. Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to fly out there?”

“No, oh my gosh no I could never ask you to do that. We are in the UK and I’m just being irrational and emotional and I miss you.” Justin held back the tears, because he wanted her to come. She was his rock, after and during the storm that was his and Aaron’s relationship. She always made him feel better even if she just sat next to him and held his hand.

“That doesn’t matter, I’d do anything for you, anything. Even kill a man.”

Justin smiled. “Well in that case…”

She laughed on the other end. His heart did the thing. He mentally said to himself: See, I’m just missing my family, it isn’t Aaron. He talked to Casey for another few hours about everything. He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he heard snores coming from the other line.

He took his time getting ready. He watched re-runs of the Golden Girls while he did his makeup. He was just putting on his last nail when he heard a knock at the door. He opened it to find Sharon standing there dressed as Dracula.

“Hey I was thinking we could go together if you want. If you’d rather go and meet up that’s fine I just thought since you were here…” Sharon was stuttering.

“Yeah no that’s fine I was going to ask you the same thing. Just give me a second.” Alaska went into her room and grabbed her bag.

Then they were at Revenge, in Brighton, backstage, about to go on. Their intro started to play and Sharon grabbed her hand and began pulling her out on stage. Alaska acted like it was totally normal. Justin did not.

Alaska was living for the song. She danced and sang her heart out and tried to ignore how close the lyrics hit home. She even began to grind on Sharon near the end of the song. They smiled and talked to the enthusiastic crowd. She heard a feminine voice in the back shout “Kiss!” Justin blushed. Alaska looked at Sharon with a look saying why not? Sharon smirked a suggestive smirk and dramatically pulled Alaska in by the waist. Sharon looked at the audience who were all losing their minds. Then she looked at Alaska. Justin moved closer, not all the way, but close enough to get her point across. Sharon looked into her eyes for a moment. She seemed trapped almost. Aaron looked at him helplessly before he backed away quickly from her. Justin’s head was spinning and he felt sick. Alaska played it off saying “Maybe later,” with a suggestive wink.

They got off stage eventually and Alaska grabbed her camera from her bag. She flipped it on and walked over to Sharon with her heart in her stomach. She set up the camera and began to talk with Sharon about the show. Sharon was brought a drink and Justin mentally flinched.

They were talking about how they were happy to be working together again when Sharon brought up their breakup. Alaska stiffened visibly and avoided eye contact. She could feel Sharon’s eyes searching her face.

She heard her say, “I’ve never taken anything seriously before.” Alaska looked up into Sharon’s eyes for a second.

“Yeah” She said.

Sharon continued on talking about anything and everything. Alaska noticed all the backhanded compliments directed at her, and she sat there, while Justin felt each one as a physical blow.

After about twelve minutes Alaska grabbed the camera. She was saying goodbye and turning it off when she heard Sharon say, “Love you Lasky.”

Alaska blurted out. “I love your pussy.” And ended the video.

Sharon looked at her a long time after that. Alaska looked anywhere but Sharon, and began to talk to some of the other queens that were still in the room. Eventually it was only them. Alaska jumped when she felt a hand on hers. When she recognized the hand as Sharon’s her head calmed down, or maybe it didn’t.. She met Sharon’s eyes with a look of confusion. Sharon smiled a sad smile.

“I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am. I know that you don’t want to talk about it but I felt I had to. I know that what happened between us was messy and sad and it hurts, still, but I needed to apologize.” Justin intertwined their fingers and Aaron squeezed Justin’s hand along with his heart. Justin didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t. Minutes or hours passed with the two of them looking at each other, and then back at the floor.

Aaron’s phone went off and he dropped Justin’s hand to answer it. Justin saw his chance, so he got up and grabbed his things. He closed the door softly but through it he heard the beginnings of what seemed to be a scream off.

He got to his hotel room and collapsed on the bed. He felt worn out, physically and emotionally. He didn’t know what happened but before he knew it he had called his boyfriend.

Then after that, he called Casey.

“I lied.”


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron smiled at the sleeping form next to him. Chad was snoring again, which had woken him up. But Aaron couldn’t be mad at him when he looked like that. Then he remembered the events of the previous night. Before he had gone over to Alaska’s room, they had an all out screaming match. Aaron didn’t even remember what it was about. Chad had called him right in the middle of his apology to Justin.

Aww crap

He did that, didn’t he. He had been planning to apologize for months now. He had planned it all out and it was going to be heartfelt and sweet and it would give them both closure. But he got drunk, and emotional, god what did he even say? Probably something stupid, that’s why Justin didn’t say anything back.

He was jolted out of his sleep haze by a loud knocking at the door. Aaron bolted up and walked briskly to the door. He looked through the peephole to see some rather buff guy with a beard, and a t-shirt with some indistinguishable logo. The guy was clearly fuming; he began pacing back and forth along the hall. He beat on Justin’s door again, louder this time. Aaron jumped back. What the hell did Justin do to piss this guy off? He heard a door open and Justin’s voice. He couldn’t make out the words but he could hear that Justin was crying. Aaron looked through the peephole again and saw the bearded guy was no longer angry, but he was reaching out to comfort Justin, who pushed him away.

“Stop, I told you I need a break ok? I’m really stressed and my head is all confused, I just need time ok?” Justin’s voice was cracking and Aaron fought the urge to yank the door open and just hold him. The buff guy started to raise his voice and Aaron could see Justin shrink back against the door to his room. Aaron grabbed the door handle and was about to interfere when he heard the guy ask in a booming voice “Is it that Aaron guy? Don’t tell me you are still in love with him.”

Aaron stopped. Justin? Still in love with him? The idea was absurd. Justin was the one who had left. Justin was the one who moved on first. Justin was the one who had avoided Aaron for a year. Justin was the one that moved away.

Justin was the one who left.

Justin had left him.

It was then that Aaron realized, not a day went by that he didn’t, in some way, think of that. Justin had left because of him. He had left, and he went and shacked up with some guy who was buff, and had a beard, and talked too loudly.

Justin’s voice nearly shouted, or maybe it just sounded like that to Aaron, “No of course not. I’m not in love with Aaron. Why does everyone assume that? I moved on and so did he. He is happy, and getting married. He’s going to have a wedding and his family will be there and his friends. And it will be beautiful and somewhere tropical because that’s what he always wanted. He’s going to have a life with Chris…………..or Chad. His name is Chad isn’t it?” Justin’s voice was cracking. “He will be happy.” Aaron wasn’t sure if Justin even knew he was saying all of this out loud. As soon as he realized what he had said he looked, with wide eyes, at whom, Aaron supposed, was his boyfriend.

“God I knew this would happen. I told you not to do these shows. That Aaron guy is bad news for you and always has been. Just ditch these tours and come home. We don’t need the money and you seem really stressed babe.” Mr. Know-it-all tried to comfort Justin again. Justin pushed him away again, turned his head to the side and stared at a spot on the floor, and said quietly “You were drinking before you came here weren’t you?”

Buff Man, was getting agitated again and was clenching his fists. “The fuck does it matter, doesn’t seem that we will be together much longer, I can do whatever I want.” The guy started advancing on Justin. Justin looked horrified and kept backing up. Both he and Aaron recognized the position to be the exact one from that night all those years ago. The guy got more handsy and he pushed Justin, rather forcefully into the door. Justin hit his head, but the guy crowded up to him and began to rub his hands on Justin in a manner that can only be described as sexually charged. Justin was trying to push the guy off, but he wouldn’t budge. The guy made a grab at Justin’s crotch and that was it for Aaron. 

He threw open the door and tackled the guy on the ground. He began punching him but the guy was even stronger than he looked and he soon overpowered Aaron and had him pinned on the ground and was just punching him over and over again. Aaron hardly felt the pain after the first few blows. The only indicator that he was still being punched was the increasing taste of blood in his mouth. After a few minutes he felt the pressure of the body lift off of him and he sat up hurriedly, trying to see through his swollen eye. He saw the guy stomping away and then he blacked out.


	5. Chapter 5

Justin pressed the washcloth against Aaron’s face lightly. He wiped the blood from his lip and his eye. Justin was still trying to piece together the events of that night. He had called his boyfriend the night before and told him that he wanted to take a break. There was a pause and the call ended.

The next day he had gone about his business. He and Sharon performed again.

It was almost harder this time.

He couldn’t stop himself from touching Sharon at every opportunity. They held hands and teased each other, and it was like old times. They held hands all the way backstage until Chad went to hug Aaron. Justin was trying. He had admitted to himself that he missed Aaron.

Purely in a friendly way. Not romantically.

But it was so hard. Because it hurt. It hurt to be near Sharon. But then it hurt to not be.

Justin couldn’t look at her without remembering all they had. They were each other’s world. Maybe that was it too. Justin gave every single part of himself to Aaron. He put all of himself into Aaron, and Aaron’s body couldn’t hold the both of them. Justin was all used up and had nothing more to give, but Aaron asked for more anyway. Aaron took all of the parts that made Justin alive and he used them up. And after all of that, all of Justin wasn’t enough to make Aaron stay.

Aaron began to stir and groan as Justin pushed his thoughts away. “Shhh hey its ok.” Justin stopped wiping Aaron’s face to look at him. Aaron opened his eye, the one that he could open, and looked at Justin. “You got hit pretty hard, I’m so sorry, he isn’t usually this aggressive.”

“Your boyfriend’s a dick”

Justin laughed, “He really is, isn’t he?”

“Are you ok Justin?”

Justin started at the sound of his real name but quickly composed himself. “Yeah I’m perfectly fine, you are the one who was beat up remember?”

Aaron mumbled “He didn’t beat me up, I got some good punches in there”

“Yeah sure baby, you totally could have taken him” Justin laughed. It took a few seconds for Justin to realize what he had said. “Oh my god I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to say that!”

Aaron was full out cackling now. He grabbed his sides for dramatic effect and laughed harder. Justin stood there with his hands on his hips looking down where Aaron was sitting on the counter in his bathroom. He rolled his eyes at how ridiculous this situation was. Aaron eventually stopped laughing and Justin got back to cleaning him up. Justin was touching his face lightly and Aaron felt little sparks at every brush of his fingertips. When Justin was satisfied he cleaned up the washcloth as Aaron jumped down from the counter and almost fell.

He had been kicked pretty hard. He had forgotten.

Justin grabbed him by the waist and pulled him up so their bodies were flush against each other. Aaron grabbed Justin’s waist and tried to steady himself when he heard Justin let out a loud gasp.

“What happened? Are you ok? Aaron asked concerned.

“I’m fine I just ran into the doorknob that’s all. Aaron steadied himself and before Justin could protest, Aaron lifted his shirt up to expose bruises and small cuts on his hips and ribs in the shape of fingers. Justin pulled his shirt down quickly covering his torso from Aaron’s searching eyes. Aaron looked at him with shock clear in his face “Was that…?”

Justin nodded his head, afraid to speak. Aaron looked angry and for a split second he thought Aaron might get violent again and start punching him. But his face relaxed and he grabbed Justin and, minding his bruises lifted him onto the counter that he had been sitting on minutes before. Aaron began to clean the few cuts that surrounded the bruises. He didn’t say anything while he was cleaning Justin up. When he finished Justin hopped down. “Thank you” he whispered.

“Where did he go?” Aaron wasn’t looking at him and didn’t even acknowledge his thanks. When Justin bit his lip and didn’t reply Aaron asked again, more forcefully, “Where is he right now Justin? I know you know.”

“Airport.” Justin breathed out. Aaron, still shaky, grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialed 911.

The police grabbed Justin’s boyfriend as he was going through security. They interviewed Justin and Aaron for only a couple of minutes. They assured Justin that there was enough information to put him in jail.

Aaron closed the door behind them as they left. He leaned against it rubbing his forehead. Justin approached him slowly “Thanks for all of that. You really didn’t have to.” When Aaron ignored him and kept massaging his head Justin became concerned “What is it? What’s wrong? After being ignored again, Justin lost his cool and nearly shouted, “I said I’m sorry Aaron. Why are you mad at me? What did I do?”

Aaron took his hands away from his face and looked at Justin “Why am I mad? Well Justin I’m so glad you asked, mmm where to start?”

Justin advanced on Aaron. “Stop. If you're going to act like this you can leave.”

“Oh no I haven’t even started yet darling. Let's start with the fact that you haven’t even been able to look me in the eye until tonight. You act super affectionate onstage and you make me think that you are fine, that we are fine. But as soon as the lights are off of you, you avoid me and pretend I don’t exist.” Justin had stopped in his tracks; he had been hoping Aaron hadn’t picked up on that.

“Oh and don’t get me started on last night. I apologized to you! You know how hard it is for me to admit that I’m wrong. But you didn’t say anything. You sat there and ignored me. So you have no right to get mad at me for ignoring you now. Not to mention the entire YEAR that you avoided me!” Aaron was yelling now.

“You only apologized because you were drunk! You only act emotional when you have been drinking.”

“Yeah I had been drinking, because I was trying to get up the courage to talk to you. I wanted to patch things up, but I thought you hated me so I had no idea how you would react.”

“You shouldn’t have to be intoxicated to do the right thing.”

“Maybe you don’t have to be, but I do. Besides I have no idea why I should apologize, you were the one that left. Or did you forget? You were the one who left in the middle of the night. You didn’t say where you were going or what you were doing, you just left. You never told me why. We never got to talk about it. I never got to apologize. You left me. You left. You left me alone in that house and then you went and hooked up with some new guy. I had to hear from fucking Bianca del Rio that you had moved on. I was devastated when I found out. Did you even think about that?”

Justin hadn’t. He had just assumed that Aaron either didn’t care, or was mad at him. He didn’t even think that Aaron would be upset. “So I hear that you move on from Bianca del fucking Rio, and I was heartbroken. Do you understand how awful it is when you love someone, to watch them love somebody else?”

Justin though he understood pretty well. “Especially when I knew I wasn’t good for you. I know it was my fault, and I cause you so much pain, but did you ever think that you did the same thing? So I forced myself to be happy for you and I moved on with Chad.”

Justin didn’t know where Aaron was going with all of this, but he was reasonably scared. “I moved on with Chad and we got engaged and I’m happy. When Potatoes called to tell me about these Halloween tours I thought it would be the perfect time to apologize. I was in a good place with someone I really cared about, so I wanted to make amends. I have been planning since August to apologize to you. Then I completely fucked up last night, and it came out all wrong.” Aaron was rambling. “Then tonight I hear you yelling about my relationship, which is none of your business. I go to look at who you could be talking to and it’s this guy that you left me for. How the hell was I supposed to feel?”

Justin didn’t know. So he didn’t say anything and just looked at Aaron with a hopeless look in his eyes. “Then he starts harassing you and then I’m being punched in the face. I haven been punched since…” Aaron stopped, took a breath and continued with his voice at a normal level now, “How was I supposed to feel when the guy I’m madly in love with’s boyfriend that he left me for, starts to abuse him in front of me?”

oh

Shit

“Shit” Aaron said, and before Justin could blink, he had left.


	6. Chapter 6

Aaron closed the door behind him and leaned against it. Chad was sitting up in bed looking concerned. It was only then that Aaron realized that he had been crying. Aaron climbed into the bed and just pulled himself next to Chad. Chad didn’t say anything, he just held Aaron as he fell asleep. He woke to his phone alarm buzzing. His heart sank as he recalled that he had another show with Alaska tonight.

He grabbed his phone and saw two messages from Justin. The first one was before the fight last night. It read simply Did you get back safe? The next one was said to have been sent twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry. Aaron put his head in his hands. What was he thinking last night? He got into a fight, which he never did anymore. Not since…  
But he had to didn’t he? That guy was going to hurt Justin, he did hurt Justin. Thinking of the bruises on Justin’s hips made his blood boil. What the hell was Justin thinking, to date that brute? He was smelly, and ugly, and awful.

But Justin picked him over Aaron.

Across the hall Justin was looking at his phone going through his various social media and every minute checking his messages to Aaron. He liked a picture of Willam and Courtney performing and he hit the messages app. He noticed that under his most recent text it said ‘read’. Justin heaved a sigh.

All of a sudden he heard a loud knock at the door. Flashes from the night before had him fighting the urge to cower. He looked through the eyepiece cautiously and threw open the door when he saw Casey standing there.

They spent the day talking and eating junk food. Justin ranted on and on about Aaron and the events of the previous nights.

“But now he is ignoring me. I have no idea why. I apologized at least twenty times! Why the hell is he so mad?”

Casey looked at him for a long moment, with a look that read ‘you’re so stupid I’m going to hit you with something’.

“What?”

“Well did you ever think how that looks to Aaron? I mean you left him.” Noticing Justin’s defensive face she added “For good reason, but you left him. Less than two months later you have a new boyfriend and are showing him off. That probably hurt him to think that he meant so little to you.”

“It wasn’t like that.” He was insistent.

“Really?”

“It wasn’t.”

“Whatever you say darling.” She continued to look at him funny, even after they changed the subject. Three minutes went by of her giving him this look.

Justin cracked “What is it? If you have something to say just say it.”

“Well did you ever think about how Aaron felt? I mean he saw you floundering about with some new guy, which hurt him a lot probably. He tried to be the bigger person by being happy for you, even though all he wanted was to hate your guts. He forced himself to be happy for you, come to find out the guy you left him for was an abusive piece of shit. He was upset because what does that say about him? Is he really that bad of a boyfriend, that the person he loves would rather be with someone who harms them, than him?”

“So Aaron was mad at me for dating a shitty guy? Why would he care who I date?”

Casey punched him rather hard on the shoulder.

“Ow, what the hell?” She looked at him with big eyes and made vague hand gestures until Justin got it.

“No, that can’t be it. He is engaged.”

“From what you have told me, not very happily.”

“No you’re wrong and just reading too much into this.”

“Whatever you say love.”

Casey helped him pick his costume for that night. She did both of their makeup and beamed at him when she was done, admiring her handiwork. Standing up and looking in the mirror, he smiled down at her. He pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on his shoulder. They stood there until Justin undid his arms from around her and took her hands and said “Thank you.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and inched closer until their foreheads were touching. “No problem.”

Alaska and Sharon tore it up. It was the night before Halloween and they were both high on the excitement of the crowd. Sharon was more awkward this show, and it was evident. She made small talk with Alaska on stage, but let Alaska do most of the talking, which was saying something. Because if you have ever met Sharon, she never shuts up.

As the night went on and Sharon had more drinks in her, she was more touchy and didn’t really care much about who it was she was with.

Alaska pulled out her camera again for the After Show and began filming. He and Jeremy talked for a while. Adore crashed backstage and they talked about BOTS. Casey smiled from her position on the wall. Sharon left to smoke outside and Casey went with her. Ten minutes later Casey came back looking disgruntled.

Alaska said a quick goodbye to everyone; including Sharon, and she grabbed her bag and Casey as they walked back to their hotel.

Casey was more than a little drunk, which always made for a hilarious conversation. This time about how Obama was in fact Michael Jackson reincarnated. Justin had no idea what she was saying or how they ended up in front of her room. He smiled down at her as she draped herself across him. He felt her body fully pressed against him as his best friend looked up into his eyes. Her eyes darted to his mouth several times and he noticed she had stopped talking a while ago. She snapped out of whatever daze she was in and she bid him a goodbye with a quick kiss to the cheek. The next morning he woke, remembering his dream, involving aliens, Aaron, and Michael Jackson.


	7. Chapter 7

It was Halloween, or as Justin thought Sharon’s holiday. He wanted to look good, but not overshadow her. He decided on Elvis, and had started doing his makeup when he heard Casey yell that she would be back.

She walked the few feet across the hall to Aaron’s room. She knocked on the door and willed for his fiancé not to be there. She was relieved when she saw Aaron with only some light eyeliner through the crack that he stuck his head through.

“I wanted to apologize for the way I acted last night. You were right, it was none of my business and I shouldn’t have said anything. I was drunk and tired, and he is my best friend.” Aaron stopped her with a wave of his hand.

“Come in.”

She walked into the room and stood there awkwardly until he motioned her to sit next to him on the bed.

“I completely understand where you were coming from. If my friend told me the things I’m sure Justin has told you, I would have done a lot worse than scream.”

“That is still not an excuse. It was not ok for me to do that.” Aaron nodded.

They sat.

As the moments went by, she noticed him looking at her for an unnerving amount of time before she sighed agitatedly. “What?”

“Do you love him?”

“Where the hell did that come from?”

“Do you love him?”

“Do you love him?”

A pause.

“Yes”

“Yes?”

“Yes”

She breathed in.

“Yes”

They sat.

“So…”

“Well…”

Aaron breathed in and out heavily. “Take good care of him, yeah? God knows I couldn’t”

She put a hand on his back trying to think of words to say. She struggled for a minute before settling with, “I’m sorry this happened.”

“What do you have to be sorry about? You love him. That’s not a crime. You are far better for him than I ever could be.”

“What about you though?”

“Me? I’ll get over it.”

She smiled a sad knowing smile. “No you won’t.”

Aaron laughed. “No I won’t.”

They sat.

“How’s Chad? That’s his name right?”

Aaron sighed and smiled as he held back his tears, “Chad is great. He is wonderful and kind and sweet. He supports me and loves me.” Aaron blinked and looked at the ceiling, willing his tears away. “He is beautiful and talented and everything anyone could ever want. What the hell is wrong with me that I won’t just love him? Why is it Justin? Why does it have to be him?”

“I don’t know. I wish I knew.”

“God, every time I think I’m over it. Then he does something stupid, like smiles or laughs.” Aaron looked helplessly at the floor. ”I can’t breathe.”

Casey held Aaron. “Loving Justin is the hardest thing to do, trust me I know. He finds his way into the little places inside of you, and you don’t even realize he is there, until he isn’t.”

“God what is wrong with me?” Aaron laughed at himself.

“You are in love that’s what.” She sighed. “It could be worse.”

They sat and looked at each other. A mutual understanding was passed. They both loved this guy more than they could ever say, and in that way they understood each other. They both expected anger from the other, or jealousy. But they felt sympathetic. This boy had their hearts for as long as he wanted, and even longer. 

Finally, after all the tears were dried, Casey stood up. They hugged and she kissed him on the cheek. “You’ve got one more show,” she said. “Make it count.”

She made up and excuse and told Justin she had been looking for the vending machines. He didn’t think twice.

After lots of prodding from Casey, Alaska decided she needed to make up with Sharon. It was their last performance together for a while. Alaska made her way over to Sharon’s room and knocked lightly. His heart fell a little when Chad opened the door. He looked surprised for a second and then he pulled his head back to shout, “Hey Sharon, Alaska’s here.”

“Oh no I don’t mean to interrupt I was just…” Justin trailed off as a shirtless Aaron appeared in the doorway. His makeup was only partially applied and his hair was sticking up everywhere. Justin couldn’t help the rush of arousal as he looked at Aaron’s bare chest. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the sudden onslaught of dirty thoughts.

“I umm… I wanted to talk to you. If that’s alright.”

“Yeah, ok sure” Aaron closed the door and they stood in the hallway of a hotel not looking at each other. “Well?”

“Look I’m trying to think of what to say. Basically I just wanted to be honest with you. I miss you.” Looking up to Aaron’s shocked face he quickly revised his statement “As a friend of course. We were together for four years, Aaron. I loved you more than I loved myself. I just miss having you as my best friend. I know you are engaged and I know you are mad at me. I still don’t understand why, but…” He trailed off, He had been rambling.

Aaron smiled up at him. The kind of smile that made Justin wonder why he thought being friends was possible. “I’d really like to be your friend again Alaska, I really miss you too. I’m sorry I got angry before, I don’t even know why I was.” That was a lie. Aaron did know why he was mad, but since Justin didn’t seem to, he wouldn’t bring it up. The truth was Aaron wasn’t sure if they could be friends. Not because he didn’t want to, but moments like this when they were standing there looking at each other, all the emotions were laid out, like art. Or moments when Aaron would catch Justin looking at him and quickly look away. Or even moments like now, when Justin’s eyes would wander to his abs and lower before he would notice he was doing it.

“Are you sure? It won’t be weird?”

“It’s me and you, so there is bound to be some weirdness, but I am willing to try.”  
Justin smiled and Aaron couldn’t breathe for a few moments. Justin went to hug him, and they almost bumped heads several times, and it was weird, but it was them. And Alaska was ok with that.

Even if Justin wasn’t.


	8. Chapter 8

After their talk, things cooled down. Alaska and Sharon went back to being best friends. It was surprising to both of them, how easily it was to slip back into who they used to be. They were both doing their makeup and Sharon kept coming over to ask Alaska for foundation or concealer, so they made the decision to prop their doors open. They would just walk two steps across the hall to the other’s room and ask for what they needed. Chad and Casey watched amusedly.

They all ended up taking a cab together. They got to the club and Alaska got ready to perform. She rarely ever got nervous anymore, but tonight was an exception. Sharon noticed Alaska wringing her hands.

Sharon walked over to the other queen. Sharon grabbed Alaska’s trembling hands and laced their fingers. She squeezed Alaska’s hands. “Good luck! I know you don’t need it.” Justin was jumping up and down and squealing. Alaska just smiled. Aaron went to pull his hands away, but Justin held on not letting go. Aaron blushed and kept holding her hands until they both heard Alaska’s entry music. Alaska gave Sharon’s hands a last squeeze and walked out on stage with her signature greeting. Sharon watched from backstage, she hadn’t watched Alaska perform since right after the breakup on BOTS. She had forgotten how funny and talented Alaska was. Sharon found herself laughing and cheering along with the audience. She felt a presence next to her and looked over, meeting Casey’s eyes for a second. Sharon nodded, and they both went back to watching Alaska. At one point Alaska looked over backstage to where Sharon was standing. Seeing her ex standing there smiling at her, threw her for a second, and she smiled a surprised smile before continuing with her next song.

Alaska got off stage as the DJ announced Sharon. Alaska hugged her before she knew what was happening, and whispered “Good luck!”

Aaron’s heart fell.

Sharon sang and joked, and before the audience could blink, the show was over. Sharon was drunk, and happy. She had Alaska back.

When she walked backstage she saw Alaska and Casey, sitting much closer than strictly necessary. They were laughing into each other’s shoulders. Aaron’s face heated up, and not just from the alcohol. A few moments went by and he saw Alaska pull out her camera. She talked about the show, and Sharon, feeling confident, interjected. Sharon brought up how excited she had been about the show. Alaska joked that she always responded with one-word texts.

“I hate when you respond with one word texts. It makes you look industry. Like that’s not nice”

“I’m busy.”

Yeah right.

The rest of the After Show went on without incident. They talked about Miss Fame and how incredible she was. Aaron and Justin actually talked a lot that night. Casey sat next to Justin and Chad sat next to Aaron. There was a moment when they all looked up, and realized everyone else had cleared out of the room. There was a pause where no one spoke.

They all looked at one another.

In that moment everything clicked into place.

Justin knew that Chad was in love with Aaron, and Aaron with Chad.

Chad knew that Aaron was in love with Justin.

Casey knew Justin was in love with Aaron, even if Justin didn’t.

Aaron knew Casey was in love with Justin.

They all felt the familiar feeling of sadness and loss taking root in them.

Chad because he had lost Aaron.

Aaron because he had lost both Chad and Justin.

Justin because he accepted he was still in love with Aaron

Casey because she knew Justin would never love her.

Then the moment passed. They all got into a cab together and went back to the hotel. Aaron and Justin would leave the next day and not see each other for months. Casey and Chad noticed the two were lingering behind. They both excused themselves, trying to give the old lovers a moment alone.

They both leaned on the hall wall. Aaron thought of all the things he could say, then all of the things that needed to be said. He finally settled on one when he heard Justin almost whisper. “Casey and I are dating.”

Aaron stopped.

Oh

“Oh. Ok”

Justin sensed his uneasiness. “I just wanted to tell you, because that is what friends do. They tell each other things.”

“Yeah no that’s great I am happy for you.” Aaron lied through his teeth.

“Sorry I interrupted, what were you going to say?” Justin looked at him with that thing in his eye. That thing that Aaron knew he had in his eyes as well.

“Oh it's nothing really.” That I love you.

“No please, I’m sorry”

Aaron thought of what he could possibly say. Then he breathed out the words, “Will you be my best man?”

Justin was shocked. He stood there with his mind reeling and his mouth open. Did he want to be Aaron’s best man? That honestly sounded like the worst thing in the world. Not only would he have to watch Aaron marry someone else, but also he had to give a speech about how great it all was. His lips moved forming the word “Yes.”

Aaron beamed at him and threw his arms around Justin. They held each other for a moment too long, but neither wanted to let go first. Justin untangled his arms from around Aaron’s neck but he brushed a hair that had fallen in front of his eye out of the way. “Goodnight Aaron. I’ll see you around Christmas. I think we are doing some shows to support Christmas Queens.”

“Yeah I’ll see you then. But hey Justin, text me yeah?”

“Definitely.”

“Goodnight Justin.”


	9. Chapter 9

Justin and Aaron texted a lot over the next month. Justin worked on typing more than one word responses, and Sharon worked on talking less and listening more. They met up over coffee and talked about their lives. The first few times it was strange, but the weirdness kind of went away. Every now and then one, of them would be hit with the sudden urge to leap across the table and kiss the other, but they held themselves back. They made a habit of it. Every time they were in the same city they would go and talk. They talked about everything, well everything but the obvious.

Winter was approaching and Justin was looking forward to the Christmas Queens tour. All of the songs were amazing and he couldn’t wait to be on the road performing them. He had a week before he was scheduled to do any more shows. He called Aaron. He picked up after three rings.  
“Hieeee” He imitated Alaska.

“Hey that’s my thing!” Aaron laughed. Justin felt his chest constrict. “Well anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up today. I have no plans for another couple of days and I missed you.”

“I miss you too. Yeah I’m not doing anything until around Christmas with you and everyone else.”

“Great!”

“Justin?”

“What?”

“Never mind it isn’t any of my business.”

“No tell me.”

“Well seeing as you have all this time off, why aren’t you spending it with your girlfriend?”

Justin’s smile vanished. He felt a rush of guilt sweep through him. He and Casey had been dating for almost two months now, but they had known each other for many years. She knew everything about him, and he, her. He did love her. But… He wasn’t in love with her. He knew that he shouldn’t keep this up. He did love her, and he did feel those feelings that he had with Aaron, with her.

But it wasn’t the same.

He knew.

“Oh, umm, she is out with her family this week.” Which wasn’t a lie, but the way Justin felt after he said it, it might as well have been.

“Ok, do you want to go to The Grain Café?”

“Yeah, see you there.”

Aaron and Justin always went to The Grain Café when they were both in LA. They used to go there when they were together. It always served as a reminder. The staff knew their orders by heart. The place was owned by an older woman, named Caroline. She was like their grandmother. She commented on how skinny they both were, and didn’t let them leave without seeing them clear their plates. One time, before they had broken up, Justin was sick, but Aaron dragged him out of the house anyway. He had barely looked at his food when Aaron asked for the check. Caroline noticed. She intercepted their waiter and sat with them well after closing until Justin ate all of his food.

She also had a habit of asking them personal questions. She always remarked how cute they were together, to which both had to explain they were seeing other people and weren’t dating anymore. She would just smile her mischievous smile “Yeah ok.”

Justin got to the place and looked at their normal booth and saw the back of Aaron’s head. Justin walked over slowly so as not to draw attention to himself. He got right over Aaron’s shoulder and shouted “Boo!” Aaron squealed and Justin almost fell on the floor he was laughing so hard. The other patrons looked annoyed, but the staff just smiled at them.

They were looking at the menu as if they were going to order something other than what they always got. Before they could even see the second page they heard a familiar voice “What are you doing with those things? You never used em before.” Aaron jumped up and hugged Caroline. She took the menus from them and made Aaron move over so she could sit next to him. “How are you boys doing?”

“We were here last week, but we couldn’t get enough of the food. It is simply exquisite.” Caroline smacked him on the head.

“Flattery gets you nowhere.” Aaron rubbed his head mouthing the word ‘ow.’ “What about you Justin? Have you told this one that you are still in love with him yet?”

Justin turned bright red. “Caroline, you know I have a girlfriend.”

“And?”

Aaron smiled at Justin’s discomfort, and he felt a little pang of hurt when Justin mentioned Casey. Caroline noticed.

“What about you, Mister Suck Up? You dumped that fiancé of yours yet?”

It was now Aaron’s turn to blush.

Justin sighed, pretending he was angry “Caroline, how many times have we told you, we aren’t together anymore. Aaron’s engaged for god's sake!”

Caroline waved her hand “Screw that, when you find your person, you hold on to them. You both are just lost right now, I’m just trying to get you on the right path again.”

They both rolled their eyes, but each stole a glance in the others direction. The three joked and laughed like old times.

Aaron suddenly felt a wave of guilt so strong he felt nauseous. He should be with Chad right now. Chad had some time off too. Aaron should be spending time with his fiancé. They should be planning for the wedding, but Aaron didn’t want to see Chad. He knew that he had loved Chad at some point, but he didn’t know anymore. Chad had been the thing that grounded him after Justin. But now, all Aaron felt when he looked at Chad was guilt. Guilt because when he thought of marriage and weddings and even children, he thought of Justin. Justin at the altar, Justin saying ‘I do’, Justin chasing a little girl around a park. Justin made him feel safe, and alive, and happy. He would be damned if he would let that go. He also knew that if he kept lying, it would just hurt the both of them. He figured he had to tell Justin; it was all just a matter of how, and when.

Caroline had gotten up and was yelling at someone in the kitchen. It was just Justin and Aaron. Aaron figured this was his chance. “Look Justin…I have to be honest with you about something. Ever since the Halloween shows I have been trying to tell you this and…” Aaron breathed in. “Wow this is hard… ok…here goes… Justin I-“

Justin’s phone rang. Justin, who had been hanging on every one of Aaron’s words, sighed loudly. He ignored it. “Sorry what were you saying?”

Aaron started again, stumbling more than before. He was interrupted again by Justin’s phone buzzing. “You should probably take that.”

Justin gave Aaron a weak smile and a mouthed, Sorry.

He brought the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi. This is doctor Stone, from Northridge Hospital.” Justin’s heart stopped. “Your friend Casey was in an accident.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Sir? Are you there?”

“Is she ok? What the hell happened?” Justin’s voice was cracking.

“Please sir calm down we are doing everything we can.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” Justin hung up.

His heart was beating fast, and his ears were ringing. He was numb, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He stood up quickly and walked briskly out of the restaurant and to his car. His hands shook as he took out his keys. He dropped them a total of three times. His hands were shaking and Justin, for reasons unbeknownst to him couldn’t get the damn key in the door. He felt a hand on his back and he jumped, dropping his keys a fourth time. He cursed and snatched them off the ground, attempting to fit them in the door again. He saw a pair of hands grab his to stop them from shaking. He followed the hands up to two arms, then to two blue eyes. Aaron was standing there holding Justin’s hands and looking concerned.

Justin snapped out of his daze, but was breathing quickly. “Oh my god. I’m sorry I didn’t even-“

Aaron finished his thought, “I paid for you. It’s ok. Everything will be ok.” Justin’s thoughts were scrambled. Aaron noticed his ex-lover’s breathing and heart rate. He had no idea what the call was about, but he had an idea. He tried to calm Justin down enough to talk to him about it. Aaron pulled Justin’s face so he was looking directly at Aaron. He breathed slowly and moved his hand to encourage Justin to do the same. After a minute or two, Justin relaxed. Justin’s body moved so that they were in a hug-like position, so that their legs were tangled and Justin’s head was resting on Aaron’s chest. Aaron let him stand there, until he noticed a girl a few cars down. She was staring at them. Aaron gave her a pass; I mean they were standing in a parking lot just holding each other. Aaron moved his hands to gently move Justin. who looked slightly hurt and confused. Aaron tilted his head in the girl’s direction. Justin looked and blushed.

“Sorry about that.”

Aaron was still holding Justin’s hip, and they were standing much closer than they probably should be. Aaron lifted his hand and with one finger, wiped away a few stray tears on Justin’s face. “Are you ok?”

Justin remembered the reason he was crying then. “I’m fine. It’s Casey. She was in an accident. I don’t know. I have to get to the hospital.” Justin fiddled with his keys again.

“No you aren’t going to drive. Not like that.” Aaron took the keys from Justin’s hands. “Get in. I’ll take you.”

Justin said nothing, but went around to the other side of his car, and jumped in. They rode in silence. Aaron kept looking over at Justin every once and awhile to make sure he was ok. The ride to the hospital took longer than he had originally thought. Aaron looked over again and saw Justin fast asleep. He smiled and felt a feeling of warmth spread through him, and a touch of guilt as he remembered their situation. When they pulled up, Aaron almost didn’t want to wake him. He looked peaceful, and Aaron knew that as soon as he opened his eyes the world would close back in.

Aaron turned off the car, and Justin sat up. Groggily he wiped his face and blinked trying to gauge his surroundings. He sat up suddenly as his memories came back. The pair made their way into the building. Both of them recoiled at the smell

Justin approached a big desk. “Hi. I…um…got a call. My girlfriend was in an accident.” Aaron flinched. The man pointed them down the hallway to another desk. Justin walked quicker and Aaron struggled to catch up. He only managed to hear the end of the conversation between Justin and an older woman. “-surgery right now. We will keep you updated.” Justin looked around helplessly. When his eyes landed on Aaron he felt a familiar feeling in his stomach. He cursed his emotions for making him feel like this. His best friend was in surgery and she could die, and all he was thinking about was how good it felt to have Aaron’s arms wrapped around him. He felt tears rising again.

Aaron saw a flash of varying emotions cross Justin’s face. He led Justin over to the smattering of pastel colored chairs. They sat side by side and waited for a long time. Aaron held Justin’s hands and offered his shoulder for Justin to sleep on. He refused at first but after the third time his eyes closed for over a minute; he leaned his head on Aaron’s shoulder and fell asleep. Aaron wiped the few tears still on Justin’s cheek. He thought about everything. He thought about how much he still loved Justin. How he probably would always love Justin. He thought about Chad, and how terribly unfair he was being to Chad. He thought about Casey. He thought about how fucked up this whole situation was. He thought and thought until he was asleep as well.


	11. Chapter 11

Justin woke to the sound of hushed voices. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. In his sleep haze, he didn’t really care either, he just wanted to fall back into whatever dream he had been having. He couldn’t remember specifics, but it involved warmth, and familiar laughter. He shifted, trying to get his head in a more comfortable position, when he his memories suddenly hit him. He jolted awake, looking around wildly. He didn’t know where he was for a moment. Then he looked to his right, where he expected Aaron to be. When Justin didn’t immediately see the blonde, he began to panic slightly, but he spotted the boy talking to, who Justin assumed, was a doctor. He walked quickly over to the pair. “What happened? Is she ok? What is going on?”

The doctor smiled politely at Justin. “You must be the boyfriend. She was in a car wreck. She was driving and some other person wasn’t looking. They ran a red light and they crashed into the side of her car. She is stable for now. We will run a few more tests just to make sure.”

Justin felt tears rise in his eyes again. “Oh my god.”

Aaron grabbed Justin’s hand; “We can go see her now. Ok? Do you want to go see her? She is awake and everything.”

Justin didn’t trust his voice, so he simply nodded.

The doctor led them through a pair of double doors and many hallways, until they reached a room numbered 209. As soon as the door was opened for them, Justin rushed to Casey’s side. Aaron hung back and stood in the doorway as the two lovers greeted one another. Casey had a cast on her leg and her arm. Her ribs were also apparently bruised too.

“Oh my god Case. What the hell? Are you ok? What happened? Are you in any pain? Did they get the person that hit you? Oh my god. I am so sorry.”

Justin kneeled by her bed and held her hand as she calmly repeated everything the doctor had already said. Casey looked over to see Aaron standing awkwardly in the door. She waved him in, but he just backed out of the room. He waved at her and mouthed the words I’m sorry. And then he made his way down the many hallways and through the pair of double doors. He went back to the waiting room and fell asleep. He would be there if he was needed.

“Justin, I’m ok, really.”

“I am so sorry. I should have gone with you. I should have gone and met your family. God I am so sorry.”

“No stop that. None of this is your fault do you hear me? Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. This was the fault of some shithead who refused to stop at a stoplight. Don’t blame yourself ok?”

Justin was startled by her forceful tone but he nodded. He sat at the edge of her bed for a while. She motioned him to lay down next to her, when she saw his eyes closing.

Justin heard the doctor come in a few times. He didn’t pay attention to what exactly was said. He woke up when he felt tears on his neck.

“Are you ok?”

She sniffled and tried to wipe away the tears as if they never existed. “I’m fine, just…hurts.” Justin felt his heart breaking. She shifted in the bed and winced, fresh tears falling. “Hey, tell me about your day.”

“What why?”

“Cause I am in pain and I had a shitty one.”

Justin looked doubtful for a second, but he launched into his day. “Most of it was planning for the Christmas Queens tour. But Aaron and I went out to lunch. And we talked with Caroline for a while.”

“Oh how was Caroline?”

“She was good. She kept…you know…nevermind.”

“What?”

“Well she kept…doing the thing where she lists all the reasons Aaron and I should get back together.”

“Like what?”

Justin was taken aback. “Why do you want to know? It isn’t like Aaron and I would ever consider getting back together.”

Casey smiled and she felt her chest tighten up. This boy had no idea how much he was loved.

“Are you sure? This is kinda weird Case.”

“Would I have asked if I didn’t want to know?” Yes, but he doesn’t have to know that.

“She says that we both get jealous of the other person’s partner.” Justin quickly added, “Which is not true by the way.” She almost laughed, she knew for a fact that was true.

Thank goodness she and Chad weren’t the only ones that recognized how in love they both still were. “What else?”

“Ok…well…Caroline says that the way we look at each other. That is a load of crap to me, because Aaron just looks at me like…”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, but it isn’t… it isn’t… I don’t know.”

She breathed in and out. Well she knew now. She had always known, but now she knew. She felt like screaming and crying. She chose the latter.

“Oh god. I’m sorry. You asked I just thought…God I am an idiot. Please don’t cry. He isn’t…I don’t…we aren’t…”

She looked up at him and he knew. He knew she knew. And she knew that he knew. And he knew that everything was officially fucked.

He tried to think of words to say other than ‘sorry.’

“God I am a shitty boyfriend.”

“Yeah, you are.” Justin hadn’t been expecting that response, but he guessed he deserved it.

“I am so sorry Casey. You are the most amazing person I know. You are talented and kind, and funny as fuck.”

“But you are in love with Aaron.”

“But I am in love with Aaron.” It was the first time he had said it out loud. The words were foreign and left a bitter taste in his mouth, but they felt so right at the same time.

“Ok then.”

“Ok? Just ok? Why aren’t you screaming at me, why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you wanting to bash my head into a wall?” Justin’s voice got louder and louder.

“Because I am not mad at you. How could I be mad at you for being in love? I am mad at myself. I knew. And I, knowingly, just let you be miserable with me. I am sorry for that. I knew you could never love me back, but I wanted it to be real. I thought if I wanted it hard enough maybe…maybe…” Casey trailed off.

“….it would come true.”


	12. Chapter 12

Casey had fallen asleep.

Justin made his way quietly out of her room. He went back to the waiting room. He ignored the flipping his heart did when he saw Aaron passed out in one of the chairs. He tapped him lightly on the shoulder. “Hey Aaron.” Aaron blinked slowly. When Justin’s face came into focus, he sat up rapidly. “It's ok. Casey is asleep. I’m just going to get some food. Thank you for doing all of this for me. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No… no of course not, I was just saying…if you wanted to go…”

“I’ll stay here for a little while longer…if that’s ok with you.”

Justin nodded. “I’m headed to the cafeteria. Do you want anything?”

“I’m good.”

Aaron watched Justin’s ass as he walked away, cursing his trail of thought. He got up and stretched, popping his neck. He made his way through the double doors, down the hallways to Casey’s room. He peeked his head around the door. She was sitting up in bed with her head in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking. Aaron could only assume she was crying.

“So this is sleeping?” Her head shot up, exposing her tear stained face. Aaron walked over to her and put his arms around her. She pulled him closer and he felt her trembling in his arms. Her sobs slowed down after a while. He wiped her tears, and she smiled weakly. “Are you alright?”

Casey breathed in and out; Aaron stroked her hand.

“They were doing some scans to check for any other possible injuries.” Oh god. Aaron thought. “They found a blip on one. They didn’t know what it was, so they did more tests………………..it’s a brain tumor.”

Aaron went numb.

He faintly heard a more words come out of her mouth. “…inoperable…months left…”

He had no idea what to do, so he settled on the one thing he could do. He held her. She cried, and he cried, and the nurses outside cried.

Casey was going to die.

This was not how things were supposed to be. Then again this whole situation wasn’t how he had planned it.

Aaron planned many things in advance, his plans always ended up changing. In the years before he met Justin he expected his life to end early. He drank and smoked, and did hardcore drugs. He hadn’t envisioned a future for himself.

Then he met Justin. His plans changed. He cut back on the deadly hobbies and focused more on his career. He thought of the future now as Justin and he performing together in a little bar until they made it big. They would become super famous and live their lives in comfort. Aaron got the first part right. They both got on Drag Race, and they did become icons.

After season 5, Aaron’s future changed again. He and Justin weren’t in a good place anymore. There was fighting and not much else. They both loved each other too much to admit that it wasn’t working. Aaron thought of quitting. Just leaving everything behind and taking Justin to a small town where they could start over, maybe even raise a family.

That thought had stayed a thought.

Then there was Chad. He was supposed to love Chad. They were supposed to get married, and grow old together. Justin was supposed to love Casey, be with her, and raise some beautiful children that would have play dates with Aaron’s kids. Casey wasn’t supposed to die. If anyone should have died early it was Aaron. He was the one who harmed his body with the drinking and drugs. He was supposed to die. Not Casey. Casey hadn’t done anything wrong. She had supported Justin and loved him no matter what. She stood up for him, and fought for him.

She didn’t deserve this.

“What are you going to do?”

“What else can I do? I’m gonna live my life, well what I have left of it. I’m going to travel probably, and spend time with my family.” He didn’t know why that set him off. Aaron began to sob uncontrollably. It was her turn to hold him. He whimpered into her shoulder, trying to make sure not to jostle her too much, and cause her pain.

Aaron tried to stop the tears “God I am so sorry. I shouldn’t be crying, I’m not the one that’s…”

“Going to die?”

“Oh my god I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it like…”

“Hey, no its good. I’m ok…well…you know.” They sat in uncomfortable silence.

The pause was broken by a light knock at the door. Justin appeared in the doorway with his jacket wrapped around him in an odd fashion. They found out why, after he took it off, revealing a bunch of muffins and bagels that had been stuffed under his shirt. Aaron and Casey cracked up. “What? I was hungry.” Justin’s face broke into a smile as he handed Aaron a muffin. It was Aaron’s favorite flavor too.

Justin laid on one side of Casey, and Aaron on the other. They all managed to fit on the bed somehow. The three watched crappy television and joked into the morning. Aaron noticed Casey falling asleep. He pointed it out to Justin. The both of them got up slowly and backed out of the room.

Aaron drove him home and walked him to the door. Justin fumbled with his keys, which brought back memories of earlier that day. Justin saw Aaron’s small smile as he remembered too.

Justin got the door unlocked and looked back at Aaron.

Justin wanted to kiss Aaron.

Aaron wanted to kiss Justin.

Aaron didn’t trust himself to hug Justin, so he held out his hand. Justin laughed and grabbed it, pulling Aaron into a hug. Aaron breathed in Justin’s scent. He tried to commit every part of this moment to memory. He didn’t want to let go. As soon as he did, he would have to get back in his car and go home. He would have to see Chad, and explain why he was gone all day and night, and didn’t even text.

Justin pulled away, because if he didn’t do it then, he probably never would have.

“Goodnight Aaron. See you soon.”

“Justin, you know you can talk to me if you want.” Justin nodded. “Goodnight Justin.”


	13. Chapter 13

The next day Casey checked herself out of the hospital. She dropped by Justin’s house. She said she needed time to herself, so she would be travelling around for a while. She kissed him on the cheek and told him to take care of himself.

Next was Aaron and Chad’s house.

“You told me to take care of him, because you couldn’t. I am now going to ask you to do the same. Look after him. Don’t let him mourn for too long. Make him happy.” They hugged, and she made her way down the driveway. Before she got in her car, she turned to Aaron. “And for god sakes man, tell him you love him.”

Casey got on a plane and travelled the world. She never told Justin about the tumor. She never told anyone.

Days after Casey’s departure:

Sharon hugged Alaska tightly on stage. She held on and felt the audience look at them. She pulled back and cracked a joke she knew would make Alaska smile. They danced their way off the stage with the other queens, and went to the dressing room. They all had a break for the next 4 days. Justin was heading home and was excited to see his family. His flight in the morning was earlier than the other girls. He was planning to grab his stuff and check out of the hotel, then spend the couple of hours in the airport. He started saying goodbye to the girls in his dressing room. He hugged Jinkx and waved to Katya and Jiggly. He made his way across the hall to the other dressing room. He saw Ginger.

“Hey Ginger, have you seen Sharon?”

“She went to the other dressing room. Its down the hall to the left.”

“Ok thanks. I’m leaving early so I won’t see you until after Christmas, so Happy Holidays!”

“Merry Christmas Alaska!”

Justin followed Ginger’s instructions and opened the door. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Sharon and Chad tangled up in the middle of the room. “Oh god. I’m so sorry.” Justin slammed the door closed and sprinted out of the venue. He called a cab and waited shivering. He felt like he was going to be sick. He should have told Aaron how he felt. Casey had even told him to. He felt a pang in his heart when he thought of Casey. She just showed up on his door and said she was going to be travelling. She didn’t say why, and he hadn’t talked to her since.

“Hey.” The voice startled Justin. He turned to see Chad standing there, looking nervous. He and Chad had small conversations here and there. About nothing really. They talked because it was the socially acceptable thing to do. From what Justin knew, he liked Chad. He was good for Aaron.

“Hi. I’m sorry I should have knocked.”

“No it was my fault, I told him to lock the door, but…we got distracted.” Chad shook his head. “You are going to be Aaron’s best man, and I just wanted to tell you that we are both happy that you agreed to be in our wedding. I also wanted to give you this.” He handed Justin a paper. It had names and drawings next to them. “That is the wedding party. I thought you should know. I’m sure you know Aaron’s side so I just drew my family.” He waited as Justin looked over the paper. “Look I know this is kind of awkward. I mean it’s awkward for me, so I have no idea how you must be feeling. But I am going to say this because it needs to be said: Figure it out.”

“What?”

“Figure. It. Out. I know you love him. I am pretty sure he loves you. If you love him, for god’s sakes just tell him! It is killing you both. If you two want to be together go ahead. I am done being the thing that keeps you apart.”

Chad paused then, and his voice took a deeper tone. ”But if not…back off. You two can’t work as friends. You know that. So if you don’t love him, or you won’t have him, back off. Don’t try to be friends. After the wedding just leave. Send a Christmas card if you want, talk to him when you have gigs together, but let it be.”

Justin was shocked and angry. How dare he tell Justin what to do? Justin was about to say such, when Sharon appeared behind Chad. She was drunk and she draped herself on Chad’s side. “What are you boys talking about?”

Chad made a move to talk, but Justin interrupted. “Just the wedding. Chad was telling me about how excited he was about it. I was also going to ask what suit I should wear.”

“We haven’t figured all that out yet, but I’ll text you when we know.” Sharon was shifting more than normal and Justin immediately recognized her stance. Sharon fidgeted and moved around a lot when she was horny. He flushed and looked around, willing his cab to arrive. After a few beats of awkward silence and Sharon’s fidgeting, Chad picked up on it. He excused them, but before half dragging Sharon back inside, he gave Justin a meaningful look.

Justin spent the entire holiday thinking about Aaron. He tried to focus on his family, but his mind wouldn’t stop. He was dreading the next performance. He didn’t have an answer. He had no idea what to do.

Chad couldn’t make it to the next show. Justin had never been more relieved. This gave him a night.

He could tell Aaron.

He should tell Aaron.

He wanted to tell Aaron.

But he didn’t.

Not that night, or the next night.

The last night of the tour Alaska hugged Sharon tighter than before. She whispered ‘goodbye.’ Sharon didn’t hear her over the cheers from the crowd.

The next day she got a wedding invitation.


	14. Chapter 14

The wedding took place in a vineyard, in Pittsburg. Which made sense because it was Aaron. The bouquets were white roses, with clearly painted black roses sprinkled in. There were some spooky decorations, and Justin smiled at the touch of Aaron he saw everywhere he looked.

This was just the rehearsal; the big day was actually tomorrow. Justin had written his speech months ago. Casey had helped him with it. His heart churned when he thought of her. He still hadn’t heard anything from her since the day she left. He had read his speech, and re-read his speech countless times. It didn’t feel right anymore. He had called Michelle asking for ideas. All she kept asking was if he was ok, and if he wanted her to come with him. He said no, but she showed up at his hotel door the night before the wedding rehearsal anyway. Aaron was thrilled to have her, and kept asking her about style decisions. Aaron had also been asking Justin all of these questions too. Justin tried to stop his heart from tearing from his body, when he was asked if he liked the black rose petals lining the aisle.

He and Aaron had talked about marriage before. Aaron had talked about rose petals. He and Aaron had actually drawn out their wedding. Where it would be, who would come, the colors, the suits, the flowers, even the food, and the drinks. They had been drunk when they did it, but still. Justin still had the list in his house. He had cherished it on nights when they had been too drunk to care what words came out of their mouths. The paper was old and tear stained lined the edges. He never could bring himself to be rid of it.

“So, what do you think of the idea of having three rows in the back, rather than adding chairs on the end? Justin? Are you listening?”

“What, yeah, sorry. That sounds better, so that people can see you guys.”

Aaron gave him a weird look, but continued with his relentless questions. Justin was in his own personal hell.

Justin was paired up with the Maid of Honor, whose name he couldn’t remember for the life of him. She was Chad’s sister, who would clearly rather be anywhere else. They did the run through and Justin had to look away at certain times for fear of screaming, or crying, or both.

Aaron’s family gave him hugs and thanked him for coming. There were still traces of awkwardness, but they all tried to ignore it. Chad’s family clearly knew who he was, and kept giving him dirty looks.

At the end of the day, Aaron grabbed Justin before he could retreat to his hotel and cry. “Hey do you want to go out for dinner?”

“What about your bachelor party?”

“Yeah I don’t think I want to do that. I’d rather just hang with you. I mean if you don’t have anything else to do.” He saw Justin’s hesitance. “Michelle can come too. I’d actually like to talk to her.” Aaron cupped his hands and shouted out to Michelle who had been talking adamantly to Chad’s mother. She finished her conversation, leaving Chad’s mother looking confused and offended. “Do you want to go out for dinner with Justin and I?”

“What about your bachelor party?”

“I’m not really doing that.”

Michelle looked at Justin who shrugged. It didn’t sound like Aaron, to turn down going out and getting drunk.

“I’d love to. I do need to freshen up though, so can we call you when we are ready?”

“Yeah sure no problem.” Aaron waved as Michelle and Justin made their way to Justin’s car.

They drove back to the hotel in silence. Once the door was securely closed to their room, Justin broke down. He laid face down on the bed and cried, as Michelle stroked his hair. He cried for Aaron, he cried for Casey, he cried for himself, he cried because he was angry, he cried because he was heartbroken, and for the piece of paper he kept after all of these years.

He finally sat up and looked at Michelle, who wiped his tears. “God Michelle. I love him so much.”

“I know baby. I’m sorry.”

“Why is it him? I know we aren’t good for each other, but that doesn’t mean my heart beats any slower when he touches me.”

“You told me about how Chad asked you to make a decision. Why didn’t you tell Aaron?”

“I don’t know.”

Michelle looked at him disbelievingly.

Justin sighed. “I didn’t want to hurt him. Me telling him would only hurt our friendship, and ruin his relationship. It would do no good for anyone.”

“But now you are in all of this pain darling. Is it really better this way?”

“I don’t know. But I’d rather feel like this, than hurt him. He doesn’t deserve that.”

Michelle’s voice hardened. “No he doesn’t deserve you. You know I have always had your back Justin. Aaron was not a good person when you met him. You made him a decent one. He has gotten a lot better. You inspired him to change. You have stuck with him and cared for him. He treated you poorly, he doesn’t deserve you.”

Justin sniffled and wiped his cheeks. “He doesn’t treat me badly anymore. He is kinder, and softer. He genuinely cares for other people. And he tries to do the right thing.”

“I know sweetheart. I know.”

…

Aaron picked them up and drove them to a restaurant. Justin recognized it. It was the restaurant he had taken Aaron for their two-year anniversary. Aaron clearly didn’t remember. It was one of the finest restaurants in Pittsburg, and Aaron had gushed about it for months after.

They sat around the table. The waiter brought them the wine menu, but no one touched it. He and Michelle were sober, and were both shocked when Aaron didn’t even glance at it.

They ordered, and made small talk, trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Michelle broke the silence. “How is Chad’s family? I only got to talk to his mom for a short while.”

“She is nice, actually his whole family is. They are kind of skeptical of what I do, and they don’t really get it, but they know that Chad loves me, and are willing to put up with me because of that.” Michelle and Justin laughed.

“How are you feeling about the big day?” Justin regretted asking almost immediately.

Aaron gave his best smile, hoping Michelle wouldn’t see through it. “I’m excited, and nervous. I never expected to get married, but now that I am, all the crazy stuff that people do for weddings kind of makes sense now.”

“Trust me honey you won’t remember half of the things you are worried about now. All you remember is being with the person you love.” Michelle looked back and forth between Aaron and Justin, trying to emphasize the LOVE part.

Justin blushed and changed the subject to season 8 of Drag Race. They managed to trick Michelle into giving away a few spoilers. The night was full of laughter, and a touch of sadness.

Aaron walked the two of them to their hotel room. Michelle kissed Aaron’s cheek and went into the room. Justin stayed behind. He and Aaron stood there in the hallway. Justin almost laughed. The past couple of months, they had been standing in hotel hallways a lot.

“How are your vows?”

Aaron looked at his feet and blushed. “I was actually planning on writing them tonight. I know it's kind of last minute. I am really struggling though.”

“You want some help?” The words were out of his mouth before he could think about the meaning behind them.

“Would you mind?”

“Yeah no problem.” Justin went into the room, and grabbed the pad and pen. Michelle gave him a strange look. He ignored it and walked back out of the room. He and Aaron sat on the floor shoulder to shoulder with the pad between them. “What have you got so far?”

Aaron laughed quietly. “Nothing really.”

“Ok. Well let's start with……you should say……wow this is harder than I thought it would be.”

“You see my problem.”

Justin nodded. “Well, how about we make a list first. Lets list all the things you love about him.” Justin wasn’t sure if he would make it through this conversation, but he was going to try.

Aaron had blanked. He thought about Chad, and all he felt was guilt and exhaustion. He tried to think of something good to say, but all he kept thinking about was Justin’s shoulder touching his. Then he had an idea. “I love his laugh. The way it makes his eyes crinkle. And his smile. His smile makes my stomach fall through my body.”

Justin swallowed a lump. “That is good.”

Aaron looked at Justin and thought about all the things that the boy did that made his heart flutter. “When he touches me, I feel sick.”

Justin looked at him strange. “You might not want to put that in there.”

“No, like, so happy I feel sick.” Justin knew what he meant.

“He is my world, every time he even glances in my direction, it is like I am being blessed by the god I don’t believe in.”

“Yeah, keep going.”

Aaron watched him jot down some notes. Aaron felt selfish, and guilty, but he never wanted this moment to end. He and Justin just sitting and talking. He felt an impending sense of sadness, because this couldn’t last forever. “I love him.”

Justin looked up at Aaron and met his eyes. “Well…duh…I mean would you marry him if you didn’t love him?”

Yes

This continued well into the morning. With Aaron gushing on and on about Justin, who was completely oblivious, and trying to hold back his tears. Justin didn’t remember when, but Aaron laid his head on Justin’s shoulder. Both boys fell asleep, with their heads resting on top of each other, in a hotel hallway.


	15. Chapter 15

Michelle scared the shit out of them in the morning. Aaron nearly ran out of the hotel yelling out an apology. Justin got up slowly and began to get ready for the wedding. Michelle asked him questions, and he gave short replies. He didn’t feel much like talking.

He and Michelle watched people file in. It was a rather small wedding, and it felt almost intimate. Justin felt like he was intruding on something.

This was it. After this, he couldn’t be with Aaron anymore, as friends or anything more. Maybe it was better this way; no it was better this way. It had to be. This way no one was getting hurt, well, no one but Justin.

The music picked up, and Justin breathed in and out. He stepped out, holding on to an arm. He walked down the aisle. He looked straight ahead and tried not to trip. The rest of the wedding party come down and stand next to him. The women smiled and the men did too. Something about weddings made everyone have hope, just because two people decided to commit the rest of their lives together, and apparently that was beautiful. Justin knew he was just being bitter. He plastered on a smile as Chad strutted down the way. He stood across from Justin under the white arch. Chad gave him a look, a warning almost. Then Aaron walked out.

Chad clearly had the same reaction as Justin. He saw Aaron and his breath caught in his chest. He always felt like he couldn’t breathe when Aaron was around, but this, this was so much stronger.

Aaron was wearing a black suit that hit every curve and edge of his body. It fit so well it was almost criminal. His hair was styled against his scalp and he wore a smirk. He knew how good he looked. Justin felt his knees wobble. Aaron sauntered down the aisle. Chad couldn’t take his eyes off of Aaron, but it seemed to be no problem for Aaron to tear his gaze away as he looked at Justin the whole time.

The ceremony was beautiful. Aaron and Chad exchanged vows, and everyone cried, Justin cried for a different reason. Then came the part of every wedding, where everyone held his or her breath.

“Does anyone object to this marriage?”

Justin had thought about it. Just standing up and objecting in front of everyone. It would be shocking and so sickeningly cliché. It ultimately would only ruin everything. So he stood there and let the love of his life go.

Then they were married.

And it was all over.

The reception took place in a room attached to the distillery. There was wine everywhere, and Justin held himself back, just barely. The reception was half outside and half inside. The tables had white tablecloths lined with light blue decorations. It all looked very pure and sweet. While many people were walking around the vineyard while drinking, Justin was running through his speech in his head. He was nervous to say the least. He didn’t know if he would be able to keep from crying, but he was going to try.

Chad and Aaron were hanging off of each other, accepting people’s congratulations, and smiling politely. Justin was startled out of his thoughts by Michelle. She stood by his side, never saying anything, but her presence calmed him down.

Justin and Michelle made their way over to the wedding party table. They sat just as Chad stood.

“I wanted to thank all of you for coming.” He looked at Aaron, with all the love in his eyes. “We are so glad you could make it. It really means the world to us.” He looked at Justin, who was fidgeting. “But I’m going to stop talking now because I might cry.” He sat and Justin moved slowly to the standing position. All eyes were on him. He felt his heartbeat quicken, and Michelle moved closer to him. He looked over at Aaron, and held back his tears. He suddenly forgot his speech, but opened his mouth anyway.

“For those of you who know who I am, this is a little awkward.” Some people laughed. “In case you didn’t know, I am Aaron’s ex. We dated for four years, and broke up about two years ago. Breaking up with Aaron was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I guess you could say it was for the best. We both found people and things that made us happy, and we moved on. Breaking up was probably the best thing that could have happen to the two of us.” The room was silent. Justin turned to Chad. “As I am sure you know, Aaron is quite difficult. He never asks for help, and he is very conceited most of the time.” Chad laughed. “But with that, comes the most loving, most beautiful heart you could ever see. When Aaron loves, he loves with everything he’s got and more. And you love him in kind. He will make jokes and offensive comments all day, but when it comes to the serious shit, he is always there when you need him. He’s got the most strange and quirky sense of humor, which makes him so unique.” Justin turned away from Aaron to look right at Chad. “You have truly found yourself a treasure my friend. Cherish him with all you have.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Even Aaron had to wipe a stray tear from his cheek. He took a pause and looked at Aaron. “And, who was it you were getting married to again?”

The room erupted in laughter. Justin cracked a few more jokes and talked about Chad. A lot of it was bullshit, but everyone seemed to eat it up. He finally sat down, to Michelle grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. He squeezed tighter back.

The reception went on well into the night. Justin found himself alone, so he gravitated toward the bar. ‘Old habits huh’ he thought. He sat on a barstool. He looked at all of the drinks. He started when he heard a voice in his ear.

“Didn’t expect to find you here.” Aaron set down a non-alcoholic beer in front of him. Justin didn’t comment that Aaron had another one in his hand.

“Yeah well.”

They sat in silence for a moment. “I really liked your speech.”

“Oh, thanks. I totally forgot what I was going to say, so I just winged it.”

“You winged that? That is incredible.”

“It is easy to tell the truth.” Justin was at his wits end. He loved Aaron, and he knew it was best for everyone if he kept his mouth shut, but he just couldn’t seem to do it anymore.

“You think…you think all of those things about me?”

Justin sighed. “Don’t get a big head.” He paused. “Of course I do Aaron. Everything I said, I meant.”

Aaron’s heart beat fast in his chest. He wanted to run away. But he wanted to know. For sure. He needed to know that he wasn’t just going crazy. That Justin loved him too.

But…

Maybe it was better this way. If he never knew, it would never have the ability to hurt him. It wouldn’t have to ruin everything.

Justin saw him lost in thought. “What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“I was wondering if you knew how beautiful you look when you smile. And that when you laugh really hard your nose scrunches up and I can’t help myself but laugh to.”

“Aaron.” Justin was a little shocked.

“You look impossibly adorable when you try to dance.”

“Aaron.” Justin spoke it as if it were a warning. And maybe it was.

Aaron’s voice was getting more and more desperate and sad with each word. “Did you know that you have exactly five freckles on the back of your neck, and that sometimes they disappear when you stay indoors for long periods of time?”

“Aaron stop, you don’t know what you are saying.”

“But I do, Justin. That is the problem. I do.” Aaron gave a defeated sigh. “I do know what I am talking about when it comes to you. You are the one thing that I know, no matter what. I know more about you than you do.”

“Aaron, stop.” Justin got up from his seat, and Aaron followed suit.

Aaron’s voice began to break. “I know that your favorite color is green, and that you are always cold, but are too stubborn to change the thermostat. You would rather talk to a cat than literally do anything else. I know that your sheets smell like lemons, and you hardly ever wash them. I know that you really wanted to learn how to play an instrument, but you never had the time. I know so many things about you Justin. I may know nothing when it comes to literally anything else, but with you…” Aaron trailed off.

“Why are you doing this now?”

“Because you didn’t object.” Aaron’s voice rose. “You stood there and smiled at me. You let me marry someone else. Then you talk about how beautiful my heart is. Justin what the hell? You didn’t fight for me!” Aaron did know if he was more angry or sad. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” People were beginning to notice the two as their voices got louder and louder.

Justin began to yell, causing several more people to turn their heads. “Why should I have? You never gave any indication that you wanted me to fight. Every time I turned around you were draped on some other guy. How was I supposed to know?”

Aaron stopped. His voice was quiet now. “I don’t know.” He waited. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Ending #!

“What in the actual hell Aaron?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Its our wedding night for god sakes!”

“I know.”

“Why are you just sitting there? Defend yourself, say something!”

Aaron looked up at Chad. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Anything! Show some emotion. Get angry, hell, do anything! Why aren’t you doing anything?”

“I am sorry Chad. I should have told you. I thought….I thought….”

Chad felt his heart twist. He went and sat down next to Aaron. They were in the empty reception hall, their every word bounced off the walls. “I thought I would get over it, like it was just a passing thing. I thought I just missed him as a person. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I am so sorry.”

Chad looked at him for a long time. He wanted to be mad, yell more, throw things, but he couldn’t. No matter how much it hurt him that Aaron didn’t love him, it hurt more to see Aaron in pain. Justin really was right about the loving Aaron with all you had thing

Chad took Aaron’s hands. “Ok, look at me.” Aaron tried to blink away more tears, and he looked at Chad. “It’s going to be ok, alright?” Aaron scoffed. “Hey no, look at me.” Aaron looked at Chad with a look that rarely ever crossed his face, despair. “You really do love him don’t you?” A fresh batch of tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes. “Is that why you haven’t been drinking? For him?” Aaron nodded solemnly. “Ok then. You have to go and get him.”

Aaron’s head shot up. “What?”

“Go get him.” Chad gestured around the room. “If you were willing to throw away all of this for him, he must be pretty special.”

“Chad…I can’t”

“Why not?”

“He doesn’t feel the same, and even if he does, he could never forgive me for the things I have done to him.”

Chad chuckled lightly. “I swear to god if you don’t go tell him you love him, I will actually shoot someone.”

“What about you?”

“What about me? I’ll be ok. There are plenty of fish in the sea for me. Not so sure about you though.”

Aaron was speechless. “Chad…I….thank you.” Aaron stood up and hugged Chad tightly.

Chad pulled back and wiped a tear away. “Alright get out of here.” Aaron made his way to the door and Chad called out to him. “Hey Aaron.” Aaron turned. “Don’t fuck it up.”

Aaron made his way through the empty parking lot to his car. He thought of all the things he was going to say. He rehearsed over and over. He rushed into the hotel and got all the way to Justin’s room. He raised his hand to knock.

Then he lowered it.

He backed down the hallway to the elevator.

He walked out to his car and drove home.

He crawled into bed with a confused Chad.

He fell asleep.

Ten Years Later…

Aaron was sitting in the office, looking over their taxes for this year and doing other adult things. Lila walked in holding something behind her back, with Dylan trailing a few feet away.

“Hey guys. What’s up?”

Lila looked at Dylan questioningly, before continuing, “We were looking through some photo albums and we came across your and Dad’s wedding pictures.”

“Oh yeah?”

Lila handed him a stack of photos. He flipped through them, smile growing with every picture. He flipped over the last one and paused. The kids noticed. It was a picture of Justin, Aaron, and Chad. The picture was taken when they were all mid laugh, with their faces wrinkled and their teeth showing. It must have been taken before the ceremony.

“Who is that?” Dylan asked.

Aaron hummed. “That is a long story.”

Lila sat down on the floor and looked at him expectantly.

“He was an old friend of mine. He was one of the kindest, most beautiful people I ever knew.”

“Was? What happened?”

“That is an even longer story.” He hadn’t thought about Justin in years. It always stung worse when he did, so after a while he just stopped.

He hadn’t knocked. He had stood there unmoving for several moments. He had dropped his hand, and walked back into the elevator. He woke up next to Chad. And that was that. The two continued on with their lives as if nothing had happened. They never talked about it.

Sharon toured around a little, but ultimately retired not long after the wedding. She made appearances at some BOTS shows. Then Drag Race had its final season, and its final tour. Aaron still had all of Sharon’s things in storage somewhere.

Aaron had completely stopped drinking after the wedding, and only smoked when he was stressed. Chad had cut back to only drinking on the weekend, and never smoking in front of the kids. He and Chad, never talked much about children. He guessed they should have, but they were young, and unbreakable, and vain.

One day Aaron was walking down the street and he saw a young girl begging for money. He usually didn’t do things like this, but he gave her a twenty and asked her what her story was. She told him she and her brother had run away after their parents death. Aaron walked with her down a few streets to an old hotel. It hadn’t been used in a long time, but no one had done anything with the building. It gave Aaron chills. Everything looked as if it had been frozen in time. A thick layer of dust coated every surface, except in the room the young girl led him to. It was small, and dark, but he felt warmer here than any other place in the building. The girl introduced Aaron to her brother, who looked to be barely four years old. He was clothed in rags, but looked clean, and wore a bright smile when he saw his sister. Aaron felt a rush of something warm in his chest, and he knew he couldn’t leave these kids.

That is how Dylan and Lila had become a part of their lives. Aaron thanks whatever force that is out there, for them. He never expected to have kids, at least kids that liked him. He sometimes just sat and thought about the past three years. There had been rough spots definitely, but he couldn’t help but marvel at all the beautiful things he had experienced with these kids. He loved them with his whole heart, and he wouldn’t change a thing.

Lila’s voice broke him from his trance. “Are you just going to sit there reminiscing, or are you gonna tell us.”

Aaron looked down at the picture and smiled at how young they all looked.

He didn’t notice his tears until Dylan asked him, “Daddy why are you crying?”

Lila met his eyes and seemed to understand, so she took Dylan’s hand and led him out of the office.

Aaron sat and tried to hold in the sobs that threatened to overtake him. He breathed in and out and pushed away his feelings, deeper this time.

He wiped away his stray tears and turned back to his computer.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Ending #2

“What in the actual hell Aaron?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Its our wedding night for god sakes!”

“I know.”

“Why are you just sitting there? Defend yourself, say something!”

Aaron looked up at Chad. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Anything! Show some emotion. Get angry, hell, do anything! Why aren’t you doing anything?”

“I am sorry Chad. I should have told you. I thought….I thought….”

Chad felt his heart twist. He went and sat down next to Aaron. They were in the empty reception hall, their every word bounced off the walls. “I thought I would get over it, like it was just a passing thing. I thought I just missed him as a person. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I am so sorry.”

Chad looked at him for a long time. He wanted to be mad, yell more, throw things, but he couldn’t. No matter how much it hurt him that Aaron didn’t love him, it hurt more to see Aaron in pain. Justin really was right about the loving Aaron with all you had thing

Chad took Aaron’s hands. “Ok, look at me.” Aaron tried to blink away more tears, and he looked at Chad. “It’s going to be ok, alright?” Aaron scoffed. “Hey no, look at me.” Aaron looked at Chad with a look that rarely ever crossed his face, despair. “You really do love him don’t you?” A fresh batch of tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes. “Is that why you haven’t been drinking? For him?” Aaron nodded solemnly. “Ok then. You have to go and get him.”

Aaron’s head shot up. “What?”

“Go get him.” Chad gestured around the room. “If you were willing to throw away all of this for him, he must be pretty special.”

“Chad…I can’t”

“Why not?”

“He doesn’t feel the same, and even if he does, he could never forgive me for the things I have done to him.”

Chad chuckled lightly. “I swear to god if you don’t go tell him you love him, I will actually shoot someone.”

“What about you?”

“What about me? I’ll be ok. There are plenty of fish in the sea for me. Not so sure about you though.”

Aaron was speechless. “Chad…I….thank you.” Aaron stood up and hugged Chad tightly.

Chad pulled back and wiped a tear away. “Alright get out of here.” Aaron made his way to the door and Chad called out to him. “Hey Aaron.” Aaron turned. “Don’t fuck it up.”

Aaron made his way through the empty parking lot to his car. He thought of all the things he was going to say. He rehearsed over and over. He rushed into the hotel and got all the way to Justin’s room. He raised his hand to knock.

His hand made contact with the door three times before it fell to his side. Aaron’s heart was beating fast, and his head was spinning, and he could barely think. Then Justin opened the door.

Aaron’s heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Justin’s eyes were red, and his hair was mussed, and Aaron knew he had never seen anything more beautiful. Aaron’s mind had gone blank. All of the things he wanted to say had disappeared. It was just him, and Justin, and a silence.

Justin motioned him into the hotel room. Aaron nodded and barely stopped himself from grabbing Justin when their shoulders touched as he passed through the door. Aaron noted no Michelle.

Sensing his assumption Justin said, “Michelle had to make a call.”

Aaron nodded and looked around the room. There were two suitcases neatly packed on the floor. One clearly containing Justin’s things, the other Michelle’s. Aaron saw the suit that Justin had been wearing earlier on a hanger in the closet. He felt like he was intruding.

Justin stood watching him, not sure what to say or do. This was uncharted territory. They had been dancing around each other for years and this was the closest they had ever come to meeting. Justin didn’t know why Aaron was here. His brain supplied him with several thoughts that he pushed away. Maybe Aaron was here to apologize? Or maybe it was to do what they both had been too scared to do until now? Did Justin want him to? Justin didn’t know what he wanted anymore.

Aaron saw the gears turning in Justin’s brain. The younger boy had a habit of overthinking things. Aaron wanted to break the silence that was growing longer and longer with each bated breath. He thought and thought about what to say, or even do since his mouth seemed unable to move in the presence of the unattainable beauty before him. He had opened his mouth to speak, but Justin interrupted.

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you think? You know I’m not the type of person to leave things unresolved.”

“Do I?” Justin’s tone was dripping with scorn. Aaron all of a sudden was regretting coming here.

“You do know me better than anyone else. Your speech tonight proved that.”

“My speech at your wedding. Where you got married.”

Aaron stepped toward Justin, who stepped back. “Justin we have to talk about this.”

“We haven’t talked about it for two years, so I’m good thanks.”

Aaron stepped forward again, and Justin stepped back, farther this time. Aaron didn’t know what to say. His brain supplied him with three words. He and Justin could never be the same if he said them. But it had been so long. And Aaron was tired of pretending he didn’t care for Justin. Aaron sighed ‘fuck it’ he thought. “Justin I-“

“No. No stop right there. Don’t finish that sentence.”

“You didn’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I did, and I don’t want to hear it.”

Aaron stepped forward and Justin surprisingly didn’t move away. “Why not?”

A tear made its way down Justin’s face as he shook his head. They couldn’t do this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Aaron was with Chad. Aaron was married to Chad. How did this happen? Why did he let this happen?

Aaron’s voice was soft, and Justin heard it closer than before. “Justin, why not?”

Justin whispered his next words, not trusting his voice, “Because then it will be real.”

“It has always been real.”

“But it wasn’t though. Don’t you see? It’s only real if you say it. We can still pretend it never happened. We can go back to normal.” Justin was still not looking at him and getting more and more distressed.

“Nothing about the way we were before this was normal Justin, you of all people know that.”

Justin couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out now. He didn’t know what to do. There was no book for this, no guide to tell you what is right and wrong. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“You think I did?”

“I didn’t want for this to happen.”

Aaron walked a few steps forward until he could feel Justin’s labored breath on his skin. “You didn’t want what to happen?” Aaron whispered.

Justin looked down at him and they both froze. “I didn’t want to love you.”

Time seemed to stop.

Neither knew who moved first, but never the less, their lips met in the middle, and everything fit into place.

Finally.

Finally.

They both thought. Their lips moved against one another desperately at first, trying to make up for lost time, but their movements slowed eventually when they were struggling to breathe. Neither wanted to pull away, afraid the person in front of them would disappear, but they did for a brief moment, only for their lips to be pressed against each other a second later. It was familiar and foreign at the same time. As if the imprint of Aaron’s lips had been there on Justin’s, just waiting. Aaron still kissed the same. Powerful and unapologetic. Aaron noticed the small differences in Justin’s technique. Justin kissed stronger and surer of himself, or maybe it had just been all the alcohol in the past.

Justin pulled back and Aaron felt his heart drop. He was going to yell. He was going to scream. He was going to make Aaron leave.

But he didn’t.

He rested his forehead on Aaron’s and sighed. One last tear escaped from a closed eyelid, and Aaron wiped it gently away. The two stood in the middle of the room not thinking or moving, just existing. Aaron opened his eyes and met Justin’s brown ones. Aaron saw the corners of Justin’s mouth turn up, and he couldn’t help the words that came out “I love you.”

Justin’s smile faltered and he moved so his head was resting on Aaron’s chest.

Justin whispered his next words into his skin, but Aaron could still make out each one of them. “I love you too.”

Aaron couldn’t contain his smile and he began kissing every inch of Justin’s face whispering, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Justin laughed at Aaron’s words and pulled the man impossibly closer to him.

They stood in the middle of the hotel room, holding each other and saying three words back and forth until they lost all meaning.

Everything felt right, and just as it should be.


End file.
